Pregnancy loss


If our little bean had stuck around, I would be 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant today.  Instead, I am 10 days Post-D&C.

How am I feeling?

The short answer is, not like myself.  I am struggling with body image, big time.  I have some extra lbs. of “baby weight,” in combination with the carb-heavy diet I was on while pregnant & avoiding nausea, that are lingering in my hips and waistline.  One glance in the mirror and I am instantly reminded of the precious little life I lost.  For the first time in my adult life I have ordered not one, but several TANKINIS to take to the beach with me in 3 weeks.  I’m feeling like a whale, my boobs are gigantic, I’m still cramping (occasionally) yes, still bleeding  (I feel like “2-10 days” is not an accurate estimation) and really moody.

In terms of pain, I am (FINALLY!) feeling worlds better.  The first week after surgery I honest-to-God, felt like I got hit by a bus.  Not only did I have debilitating, can’t-even-stand-up cramps, my entire body, from the neck down, just ACHED for 3 days straight.  Turns out, this is a common side effect of the muscle relaxant I was given intravenously prior to/during surgery.  The Advil & Tylenol rotation was doing nothing to touch the stomach cramps, so I turned to alcohol! 🙂 It worked well, until 4:00 am when it wore off.

My grandpa’s funeral service was Tuesday (this is my paternal grandfather, fyi), and I managed to get dressed and put on a brave face for much of the day.  The eulogy my uncle gave was absolutely beautiful, and encompassed everything my grandpa stood for.  It also had me crying like a total baby 3 minutes into the mass.  My maternal grandparents came to the service in support of my dad and our family, and I have to mention what my grandpa told me. After the mass there was a little wake in the gym of my gradeschool with pizza and cake.  After we ate, he asked if he could pull me aside.  He said he knew that baby wasn’t meant for me. He said, “I had a vision. You will have another baby in a year and a half, everything will be fine, and it’s a boy.  You’re going to give me my first great grandson.”  I couldn’t hold back my tears, and hugged him so hard (yes, the anti-hugger hugged!). He went on to explain that he’s only had a feeling like this once before, and it was before my aunt and uncle adopted their baby girl, that they wished and prayed for, for 10+ years.  Papa, I sure hope you’re right! XOXO 

Cheers to trudging through another tough week.


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