Groundbreaking stuff, right? Well for me it kinda was.
For the first time in over a week, I got a full night of sleep. I took a shower. I washed AND dried my hair. I put on the teensiest bit of makeup, so I didn’t look scary. I wore contacts. Then I put on a clean pair of yoga pants – because wearing real pants is still asking a bit much.
I went to Target. Yep, I drove there, all by myself. It was the first time I have driven in a week, and also the first time I’ve been alone in a week.
I needed to feel “normal” today, even if only for an hour. As normal as one can be when she’s lost three babies.
I’m realizing that grief is weird, and sometimes it makes me feel totally guilty for doing anything besides sulk on the couch. The same couch, where there is now a permanent indentation of where my body has lain for a week. Don’t get me wrong – Some days I NEED that. But after 5 days of sulking, it’s time I try to take care of myself. Plus, at a certain point, I felt I had run out of tears. I’m starting to feel tired of feeling sorry for myself. Life has to go on, whether I want it to or not, and the first baby step is getting out of the house.
…and really, what’s better than perusing the magical aisles of Target, shopping for shit you don’t need?
So I did it. I spent an hour of my day at Target, and afterwards I rewarded myself with Starbucks.
The next task: Returning to work. I’m making myself go back to work tomorrow and Friday, likely only half days. I realize I cannot be a hermit forever, and I think the distraction might be good for me. And if I only make it until lunchtime before something (or someone) sends me spiraling…that’s OK. It’s still progress.