I’ve been absent from the blog the past couple weeks, and I apologize. I am still grieving and learning to cope with the ways my life has changed. Right now I have moments when I’m okay…and moments when I’m not okay. And honestly, it’s probably going to be this way for a while.
You know how it goes. You meet up with friends. The first thing they ask: How are you?
“I’m okay” I respond. Am I though? Typically this is followed by a quick, try-not-to-make-it-feel-awkward, “How’s work?” or “How’s married life treating you?” because nobody dares to ask me about the miscarriage.
The topic of kids comes up (it’s inevitable when all of your friends are expecting) and they look at you with those “oh shit” eyes and immediately apologize. They didn’t mean to upset me.
“It’s okay” I reply.
I’m at the grocery store, in line behind a woman and her two rowdy kids. She smiles at me, and asks if I’m a mom too. Sometimes I respond something cute like, “Just a doggy mom!” or maybe, “Mom to one in heaven.” Sometimes it takes everything I have just to smile back, and say nothing.
“It’s okay” I lie to myself.
I look at the calendar and see that I’ve marked “17 weeks!” with a blue and a pink heart. I cry because I can’t refer to my sweet baby as a “he” or a “she”… one of the most weighing details…Something I would be finding out soon, if not already.
“I’m okay” I remind myself.
This is why I have to share our story. That pregnancy was a part of me, and a part of our family, though I dread the day I’ll have to explain, “first child, second pregnancy.” Our baby was alive for ten weeks, but lives on in my heart, my mind, and every fiber of my being.
I continue to try my best to focus on the blessings I do have in my life: my wonderful marriage, my adorable dog, my loving, supportive family and close friends. I am realizing (albeit, slowly) that joy can coexist during times of grief. Even if my tears outweigh my smiles right now, I still have hope. I still believe in happiness.
We are okay and we will be okay.