January 24, 2018
Justin and I went in this week for our first ultrasound. We thought I was 8 weeks and 6 days, just one day shy of 9 weeks. We were so excited to see our little bean on the screen and take photos home with us to show our families in just a couple weeks.
Justin made some jokes to calm my nerves as I got undressed and under the paper sheet. The technician comes in, and asks “What baby is this for you?” I excitedly reply, “Our first!” 🙂
We get started, and she’s moving the probe around for a minute or two when she finally says, “You said you had some bleeding a few weeks ago, is that right?” WHAT THE. Yes, but I called the office the next day and they assured me that since it stopped as quickly as it started, it was nothing to be concerned about. Why in the hell is this the FIRST thing you’re saying to me!?!?!? She follows it with, “Here is your baby. And this little flicker, that’s the heart beat. But, you’re measuring a lot smaller than what you should be at 9 weeks. I’m estimating 6 weeks , maybe a couple days.” We watched for a few minutes while she quickly clicked around on her computer and took photos. “I’m concerned because the sac is shaped irregularly, but Cheyanne (the midwife) will explain the risks.” Click. Computer screen off. Here’s a couple shoddy photos. What just happened???
I got dressed, and the nurse swiftly took me away to measure my vitals. What a smart time to check my pulse and blood pressure! Of course, they were sky high. She asked “Everything go great in there?” Fighting back tears, I said, “We don’t know yet.”
She leads us to the exam room where we waited for what seemed like eternity for the midwife to come in and speak with us. She, and her medical student assistant nonchalantly said that there is a 50/50 chance that this will be a viable pregnancy. “While there IS a baby, and there IS a heartbeat, the shape of the sac is concerning. Could your dates be off? How regular were your periods?” What, the 3 that I’ve had since I stopped taking my birth control in September? Yeah, no, not regular whatsoever. “Let’s schedule another ultrasound for a week from today and check for growth and changes. In the meantime, if you start to bleed, you can take ibuprofen for the pain, and you should go to the hospital if you are filling more than a pad an hour, or feel dizzy. Do you have any questions?” By this point I’m sobbing and shaking, and unable to speak. Yes, one. Are you assuming I’m going to miscarry?
And that was it. We walked to the front desk to schedule next week’s ultrasound, while I’m sure I scared all of the other mothers-to-be in the waiting room with my red, swollen face and not-so-quiet sobs.
Now, we wait. And pray. Hard.