Pregnancy loss

The One That’s Hard to Write

I’ve started and deleted this post at least ten times.  Somehow, it’s just seems impossible to come up with the right words.

Yesterday was the day I have been dreading: my due date.

Now that August 29th has come and gone, in some sick way, I almost feel relieved.  That day has been weighing so heavily on me. Of course, it 100% sucks that I don’t have that baby in my arms right now. But I have learned that I can’t change what happened, nor could I have prevented it, and likely, I will never understand it.

I thought that surpassing my due date would allow the “should bes” to dissipate. I “should be” 23 weeks pregnant. I “should be” entering my third trimester. I “should be” days away from giving birth.  As it turns out, the “should bes” are still there – I “should be” feeding and snuggling my sweet little newborn right now.  I “should be” having playdates with my new mama friends, and navigating life on no sleep.  I’m realizing now, that the “should bes” will never completely go away, but I am hopeful that they will become less of a conscious thought.

I’ve spent much of the past few months reading about other miscarriage stories, and hoping, wishing and praying that I’ll never endure such physical and emotional pain again. It’s been 8 months, and we aren’t “healed” and we definitely aren’t “normal,” but we’re together, and that’s what’s most important.

A wonderful friend gave me a beautiful card and a handmade charm which has the birthstones signifying the months of when we lost our baby and when he/she was due.  We also lit a candle in his/her memory, and made a fancy dinner to celebrate those ten weeks we are so thankful for.

After I first opened up about my miscarriage, I heard from so many of you – friends, family, girls I haven’t seen or talked to since high school, and even some people I’ve never met at all.  Many of you still check in with me, which is very much appreciated!  Your words made me cry for you, hurt with you and hope with you. They made me feel less broken and alone during a time when it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one experiencing such a crushing loss. Please know that your comments, messages, stories and prayers have touched me, and I’m praying for you, too! 

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