A Second Loss

When I began writing this post, I again, did not anticipate it turning into another nightmare.  It couldn’t.  I was excited. Terrified, but excited. The odds of two back-to-back miscarriages were slim. We knew it was possible, but surely it couldn’t happen again. The odds were against us. This was our rainbow baby. We were sure of it.

Allow me to start at the beginning:

We found out on September 6th, just two days shy of our first wedding anniversary. The timing was perfect. I always wanted a May baby. We could announce on Thanksgiving, and find out the gender at Christmas – the ultimate Christmas gift, I thought.  I switched Doctors. I wanted a new, positive-all-around experience.  Everything felt great, and fell into place perfectly.

[Pre-Loss] Since I didn’t want to bombard you with a whole bunch of posts once we announced, I’ve actually kept a journal of sorts over the past couple months where I jotted down what I was feeling once a week or so, just in an effort to document what we hope will be a successful, pregnancy.

Finding out (4 weeks + 4 days on September 6)

When I woke up that Thursday morning, I took my temperature on a whim (I hadn’t been keeping track for a couple weeks) and it was elevated.  When I opened my app to record the temp, it notified me that I was two days late.  I decide to take a test, and low and behold – two lines.  Faint, but definitely visible. I took a shower, took a second test, and woke up Justin. “Do you see what I see?!”  I handed him the two tests, and through his already terrible eye sight, paired with super sleepy eyes, he stared and said “um I think so?!”  I ran to Target later that day and got digital tests to confirm,  because I couldn’t fully trust my cheapie Amazon ones.  I took a digital test the next morning, and left it on Justin’s nightstand as a surprise when he woke up.  The words “Pregnant” displayed clearly across the screen.  He texted me when he saw it: “OMG I CAN SEE THIS ONE!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!” with all the heart-eyed emojis. We found out just 2 days before our anniversary, and we had a super secret, little something extra to celebrate at dinner! 🙂

The “old me” couldn’t wait to find out the gender at the twenty-week ultrasound, but now I’m simply hoping for a heartbeat. Taking each day one at a time. The whole world of pregnancy looks so much different to me now.

6 Weeks + 1 day (September 17)
I feel totally fine. I do not feel pregnant – which is both great, yet terrifying.  No morning sickness? Surely, something must be wrong.  I am tired and peeing frequently – but that’s nothing new compared to non-pregnant me – and trying my best not to Google every little thing. One thing to note, is that we decided to switch OB doctors.  When I called my usual OB to schedule the first prenatal appointment, I relayed to the receptionist that my doctor told me she wanted to see me earlier the second time, given my history.  The receptionist basically didn’t believe me, and still insisted I wait until 8 weeks. Without diving into too much detail about the heated conversation, I basically hung up the phone with a bad taste in my mouth. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my Doctor, but I have not had a positive experience with ANYONE else in that office.  I knew I needed to make a change, and decided to reach out to a friend (who had a similar first pregnancy experience) and gather some information about her doctor & the practice, as she has had great, compassionate care.  You guys, pregnancy after loss isn’t easy to begin with, the least I could expect is some sympathy from an OB office, who understands first-hand.  Our first appointment is September 24th.  We are hopeful for a fresh start, and a positive experience both with the new doctors, and a new pregnancy.

Craving (weeks 4, 5 & 6) 
Apple “nachos”, Skyline 3-ways, Chobani Flip yogurts.

I am nervous that we have several events coming up where I’m going to have to hide the fact that I’m pregnant, and master some fake drinking.

Currently reading up on some of my favorite first-time-mom blogs about their first trimesters (Whitney Port, Ali Fedotowsky, Shenae Grimes) and praying SO, SO MUCH.

6 Weeks + 6 days (September 22)
We attended my company picnic today and it rained the WHOLE DAY.  But then, the most beautiful rainbow followed. We took it as a sign of reassurance that all was going to work out for us in this pregnancy.

7 Weeks + 1 Day/6 Weeks 6 Days  (September 24)
We met the new doctor today and we both really loved her. She was super nice and informative, didn’t laugh at my crazy questions, and understood my concerns of another miscarriage.  According to their date estimator wheel, I am 6 weeks and 6 days today, though my app said 7w1d, I took this as a good sign since 6 is my lucky number.  She wanted to do an ultrasound, since I am considered high-risk.  We saw the sac, which looked round (hallelujah!), and she measured the fetal pole (the term they use for baby) which measured 6 weeks, but it was too early to see a heartbeat.  We will do a repeat ultrasound next Monday, and meet with the doctor again afterwards. I’m thinking it’s possible she might change my due date since we were measuring about 6 days off. Until then, I will be wishing, hoping and praying for a healthy scan.  Times like now I wish I could just tell all of you what we’re going through so we could gather some extra prayers.

8 Weeks + 1 Day?  (October 1)
We went in today for a follow-up ultrasound.  She calls us back, and first tried to do the ultrasound on my belly.  It was too small, so she had to do it trans-vaginally.  Then, it sounded exactly the same as the week before: “You’re measuring about six weeks. It’s too early to detect a heartbeat. What we normally do is schedule a repeat scan for a week from now.”  Tears welling in my eyes, I had to correct her.  “That’s what you told us last week.”  She didn’t say much else.  I requested a photo of the ultrasound.

As I got dressed, I began crying.  Thinking, there’s no way she’s right.  She has to be wrong. I haven’t  had a single symptom of miscarriage. I heard the ultrasound tech speaking with my doctor in the hallway. Apologizing, she didn’t realize she had already scanned me last week.  A minute later, the doctor came in.  “It’s important for you to know, it was nothing you did.”  I felt numb.  I didn’t cry, I didn’t show any emotion, I am pretty sure I was in shock.  She never actually said the words, “You’re miscarrying.”  I asked, “So there’s no possible chance this pregnancy will progress?”  The short answer: No.  We began discussing options, and I cut her off, “I need a D&C.”  I knew, from my previous missed miscarriage, that my body would not expel the remains on its own or with the help of Cytotec, so a D&C was truly my only option.  Noting that I still feel very much pregnant, she went on to say that was a good thing, that my body is producing all the right hormones, and clinging to this pregnancy as it should.

Since this is now our second loss, she recommended that after the D&C is performed, we send the tissue for testing.  This will tell us whether the loss was chromosomal (as most miscarriages are), and just something went wrong with the fetus.  If the loss is not chromosomal, we should look to a Fertility Clinic for further testing, as it could be an issue with one of us.  We would have the results in 3-6 weeks.  We scheduled the D&C surgery (with tissue testing) for tomorrow morning, bright and early.  I just want to get it over with, and not drag out for three months the way it did the first time.

Unfortunately, Justin won’t be able to take me to the hospital tomorrow (he has a crazy work week ahead with high-up bosses who have flown in from 5 different cities to meet with him) so my mom will be taking me.  Luckily this time I know what to expect, but that doesn’t make it feel any easier on my heart.  I also feel awful that my husband has no choice but to work through this, when I know he’s hurting emotionally just as much as I am.

I request that you keep Justin & I in your thoughts and prayers as we grieve yet another early pregnancy loss.  Of course I have been sobbing all day, but I don’t think it has all actually hit me yet.  It’s going to be a rough week…month…months.  My head feels flooded with so many questions, and so much confusion. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to conceive, twice even, but why do we keep getting pregnant if I can’t carry a fetus past 6 weeks?  This feels weird to say, but I feel like I am watching this all happen on tv, or in a dream.  This isn’t real. It can’t be real. This isn’t actually happening to me.

Wake me up from this nightmare.